Jill Pearson: Journal

I have a new blog feature on my website, so I will be writing all future musings under the Blog button. That way you can respond if you'd like!

I was reading 1 Corinthians 13 the other day. You know the one you probably had Great Aunt Millie read at your wedding: love is this, love is that. Remember how romantic it sounded? Did you REALLY listen? It was code for love is TERRIBLY HARD WORK!

So as I was reading, the Holy Spirit was on my tail about how I put conditions on the love I offer. I took a little time to explore this thought, and here is what I wrote in my journal:

1 Cor. 13, Amplified

Love is patient, to a point.

Love is kind if you are kind to me.

Love feels good, but envy and boasting feed me in a different way.

Love is not rude as long as I'm being treated fairly and can still seek my own personal rights.

It is not easily angered except when you are being annoying.

It keeps no record of wrongs that I will mention unless I need some ammunition in an argument.

Love does not delight (openly) in evil, but rejoices (occasionally) in the truth, which is relative to the situation.

It always protects my own interests, always trusts in myself, always hopes for the best but plans for the worst, always perseveres until it requires more than I can give.

Love never fails, as long as things go MY way.

Ouch. But it is a good challenge to move in the direction of God's interpretation of love. I think, for today, I'll start at the beginning...love is patient. I'll let you know when I master this ;)

I was taken aback by some terrible news. My sweet friend, Tishri, whom I had just spent an afternoon with and who was joyfully expecting her second child, lost her baby. The day before the precious child was due, the doctors could not find a heart beat. She was induced and gave birth to baby Brendan, perfectly formed, but already in the arms of Jesus.

The Sunday following, Pastor Todd spent much of his sermon talking about Ben and Tishri, their horrifying trial, their amazing faith, and our AWESOME God. This was the text he preached from...

I Thessalonians 4:13-18

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Two of the songs we sang brought me to tears: “How Great Thou Art” and a new Hillsong tune called “Soon.” The music tuned my heart to sing God's praise and the sermon touched that tender spot where the knot forms in your throat and the tears well up. My mind went back and forth between Tishri, my own miscarriage, and the multitude of women around me who were acquainted with the loss of a pregnancy.

Before I had left the building, a song was rising up... a song to our babies in their heaven homes. Here is the first verse and chorus:

Now I lay you down to sleep,
Oh, my baby, sweet and fair,
Until we're caught up in the clouds,
I take your hand, and we meet God in the air.

Until then, I'll miss you.
Until then, I'll love you.
I can't wait to see you.
I close my eyes and dream you,
Until then.

I recorded the song today and gave it to Tishri, along with some sloppy joes and chocolate chip cookies. I cherish this opportunity to minister to her body and soul.

I had the sweetest moment recently when I opened up an e-mail to find that an old friend had written me a poem. Yet the words were familiar. She had taken the lyrics to Songs with Wings and written them as a message back to me. Tears rolled down my cheeks at the sheer tenderness of her offering. With her permission, I am sharing them here....

Oh, did you know God gave your songs wings,
to take flight and soar above common things?
As a chosen witness for Your King...
it's your blessing.

Oh, did you know God gave your songs wings,
to cradle hearts like a sling?
To heal my sorrow and my pain
when I hear you sing.

God opened up Heaven's door
and sent your heart a song.
You're the angel He meant to sing it
all along.

It's how He spoke to me,
whenever I heard you sing...
because God gave your songs their wings.

Oh, did you know God gave your songs wings,
when I couldn't recall God's blessings?
You were the words of my Heavenly King...
enduring.

Oh, did you know God gave your songs wings,
you've reminded me who He meant me to be...
a child surrounded by Glory,
ever-praising.

You lift me, raise me.

God opened up Heaven's door
and sent your heart a song.
You're the angel He meant to sing it
all along.
It's how He spoke to me,
whenever I heard you sing...
because God gave your songs their wings.

God opened up Heaven's door
and sent your heart a song.
You're the angel He meant to sing it
all along.

It's how He spoke to me,
whenever I heard you sing...
because God gave your songs their wings.

You helped me praise Him.
You lift me, raise me.
You're amazing...
Oh, that God gave your songs their wings.

-by Dee Radtke, Stewartville, MN
April, 2009

These are the words of my dear friend, Cindy Finch, a cancer survivor and speaker/writer with a passion for God. This is why she invites me along on her speaking engagements to sing to Mayo Clinic patients staying in the Hope Lodge Cancer Center and The Gift of Life Transplant House in Rochester.

The odd thing is that I am about as healthy as the come. I am a boring medical patient. My doctor forms take me 30 seconds to fill out. No family history of disease. I am thankful for this. But for some reason God has given me song after song that minister to the sick and hurting. He has whispered in my ear that He never forsakes His children, that He has purpose for their suffering, and that He wants them to glorify Him no matter what. My task is to write these whisperings in the form of songs and to share them with the people He sends my way. I am humbled by this calling.

“What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the daylight. What is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs!” Matthew 10:27 This verse is my mission and my privilege.

It really doesn't matter if I get kudos for this. I am doing what God has called me to do and that is enough. But in His good grace, I am occasionally blessed by e-mails such as this:


Dear Jill,
 My dear friend, Jill Thompson, gave me two of your CDs for Christmas this year, and I have so enjoyed your music!  Jill pointed me first to your song, “Would You Do This for Me,” which was a great encouragement to me.  Like you, I am a mom.  I have three children under 11, and 5 years ago I was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer.  God has been so faithful, and at this point I count this cancer as one of my many blessings.  God has used it to refine and bless me and my family more than ever before.
 My 10-year-old daughter was also greatly touched by your song.  She heard me listening to it, and she asked about its meaning.  She asked if the song referred to me with my cancer.  I told her that it spoke about all our family, as we all have to live with my illness.  Tears came to her eyes as she joyously explained that she had always hoped to be a witness for God, but she thought that was only accomplished by very special people.  She went on to say that your song showed her that she was already doing that!  Thank you most especially for how your song touched my daughter … I still hear her playing it over and over in her room.
 My husband and I have founded a non-profit ministry to serve other families like ours, families with a terminally ill parent and children young enough to still be living in the home.  I would be honored if I could gain your permission to use your song on our website, or if you have sheet music, I would love to have someone perform it at our retreats.  You can learn more about how we serve these families through retreats, etc., at our website www.inheritanceofhope.org . 
 Thank you, Jill, for your amazing gift and for sharing it with so many.  It has touched my heart, and I know it would be a great encouragement to other families we serve.  I hope to meet you one day while visiting “my” Jill in MN!
 
God bless,
Kristen Milligan

‘Twas two weeks before Christmas and all through the church
The giggling of kids in the halls could be heard.
They were dressed to the hilt for the holiday choir;
They looked like sweet elves in their gayest attire.
They’d memorized lines and practiced each song
To bring Christmas cheer to the incoming throng.

The first to march up to the front of the crowd
Were the 2-year-old Bunnies, some crying, some proud.
Their teachers arranged them with toes on the tape.
If they froze up in fear, at least they were straight.
They were too cute for words, each girl and each boy,
With one little girl nearly bursting with joy!

But I and my husband could our eyes not remove
From our sweet little Grace in her singing debut.
We noticed, however, a problem arising;
Her look of distress was a little surprising.
What on her small pudgy finger was that?
Could it be a booger she was staring at?

I’d not thought to prepare her for such a grim matter,
Though I’d styled her hair and emptied her bladder.
No tissue had she to wipe off the mess,
And I’d already taught her not to wipe on her dress.
How could we help from our spot in the pew?
We clearly did not know quite what to do.

It was all up to me, I’d give it a try,
And finally my motherly wave caught her eye.
I motioned for her to wipe on her skirt.
The light bulb came on, she wiped with a jerk.
She checked for success; her smile was restored;
She broke into song, praising the Lord.

I relaxed in my seat with a sigh so serene
Hoping the video had captured the scene.
I said a small prayer with a brief upward glance,
“What could be learned from this circumstance?”
And a still, small voice whispered to me,

“Take your eye’s off life’s boogers and sing praise to the King!

I had a realization today. In the book of Genesis there is a series of mistakes that cause people to move East....East of Eden, east away from God. My own sin moves me east of fellowship with God.

As I was listening to the song We Three Kings the other day, this line struck me: “westward leading, still proceeding, guide us to thy perfect light.” The Wise Men were from the East, but were following the star in the West...toward God, toward the infant Messiah. I want to stay on the westward path, a modern-day wise woman, seeking, searching, finding, delighting.

There was an interesting discussion in my women's Bible study group today on the topic of holiness. We have no problem thinking of God as holy, consecrated, anointed, set apart, perfect, and flawless. All of us had a much harder time seeing ourselves as holy, particularly when we associate that word with perfect and flawless. Yet Scripture says:

In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made HOLY, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. 2Tim 2:20-21.

It is undeniable that God has created us to be holy vessels to do His good works and that He has given us “holy hands” to raise in prayer (1Tim 2:8.) We may not treat ourselves that way but that IS who we are, and if we speak the truth aloud, we may start to believe it. As my friend Emma says, “BE WHO YOU ARE.”

I am going to set on my mantle a little red ruby goblet that is a family heirloom to remind me of the ancient vessels from the temple that God ordained “holy.” And of how I am like that little cup, holy, consecrated, and useful for God's work. I will also give pause to what I put in that cup that may be less than God's best for me.

Kudos to Beth Moore's study on Daniel that provoked this stimulating conversation. Check out a picture of my Bible study group under “photos.”

Have you ever thought about this at Christmas: that as we have our Welcome Baby Jesus celebrations, God was once having a very sad farewell party for His Son? Can you imagine God commissioning His Son for the impending work on earth...the humiliation, the constriction of skin and complete emptying out of glory, the rejection, the temptation, the betrayal and death. What did that gathering look like? Were the angels silent? Crying?

Thanks, K, for inspiring this line of thought from Phillipians 2:1-11.

Out of this contemplation, I recently wrote a song called "Good-Bye." It is formed of words from a Father to His Son. It is sad and full of hope at the same time (like a good number of my songs.) It captures the loss and restoration of Christ's glory.

It is one of the songs that poured down like rain, there on my bathroom floor where I work sometimes when I don't want to be interrupted (I was still interrupted numerous times, God bless my children.)

It is strange...this feeling of being an intercessor for God.

How do we weigh God's goodness against human suffering? Why did God intervene as a football barreled toward my baby's head when she was in the infant swing, missing her by millimeters, and yet He did not intervene when Steven Curtis Chapman's precious daughter was killed in her driveway? It's a question that points to the mystery and sovereign choice of God. It's a question that has caused people to turn their backs on faith.

Three things have weighed heavy on my heart this week. My husband's co-worker's home went up in flames. His family of four were left with one car and their pajamas to their names at this point. Can their yoke be easy and their burden light? What does that mean?

A woman came to me after a concert yesterday and said that her husband left their marriage 4 months ago, leaving her with 9 children. She is devastated. How can this be any part of a good plan?

My friend and hero, Peggy, recently put to rest any future plans to treat the raging cancer in her body. It has been a 10-year battle. The cancer is taking over, the tumors are breaking through the skin. Why will God not just take this precious woman of faith home without the physical demise?

I am frustrated like Job. I am wrestling like Jacob. I am interceding like Moses. And yet, like Paul and Silas in prison, I am singing. The songs are bubbling up from within....songs of fire and betrayal and death. I just finished one for Peggy called Final Psalm: Ready to Fly.

Could this be a part of the puzzle? How one person's suffering incites another's response, makes us dig deep, inspires us to serve, to hunt through the scriptures to find answers, to stand in the gap, to fall facedown, to be still and know. Genius authors have written on this subject and offered wonderful conclusions. I only lift up questions, knowing that God is not offended and is happy to have my attention.

I am reflecting today on a sweet contrast. On one side is my CD release concert on Oct. 24. It was an event that I worked hard on, full of vision and creativity, artists and talented musicians. My awesome friends, totaling 10, came together to bolster my songs with amazing sound, to interpret it with sign language, to paint a huge canvas during one of the songs, to illuminate with video, and to put on a darn good show. 360 people came to watch, and they were such a warm crowd that I immediately felt like an old friend sharing stories and songs. The CDs flew off the table and I could only scratch my head in wonder, and praise my mighty God for his affirmation.

On the other side is a little program last Monday for the cancer patients and their caretakers at Hope Lodge in Rochester. My speaker friend/cancer survivor, Cindy Finch, and I were tucked away in a little conference room with about 30 people. She shared and I sang and the audience, made up of all ages and stages of cancer, quietly listened, some crying, some expressionless. This was our 5th time sharing with Mayo patients, and it is always a sweet, humbling experience.

I would not trade one for the other. Both gave me the sense that I am doing what I was created to do. One filled me up; the other poured me out. Both audiences were made up of individuals with stories I'd like to hear. All were children of God, whether they recognized it or not.

And I am a simple conduit for great truths set to music. How blessed is that?

Jeff Bremer called me the other day. I had met him a time or two before, but this time he had a request. Would I write a song for a video promoting his ministry, Bridgebuilders for Kids.

The video was ready and they were going to use a Josh Groban song to accompany it, but there were so many hoops and expenses to get permission to use the song, that they gave up on that idea.

Jeff and I go to the same church, but it took a connection way down in Pocohantas, IA, to suggest my name as a possibility. Cheree, a lady that is on the Bridgebuilders board, goes to church with one of my biggest fans, my sister-in-law, Julie. I had sung at their church on several occasions and Cheree asked Jeff if he knew me. Yes, but he hadn't thought of asking.

Well, he asked. I said yes. It's the kind of project I love. I watched the video. I wrote the song in 2 days. My heart was moved for these children, who all have parents in prison, and for the people who sign up to mentor these precious, at-risk kids. Please check out the video and the Bridgebuilders website under "LINK."

I clearly remember the moment I purposed in my heart to turn this songwriting hobby over to God to make it a ministry. It was like a continental shift, but instead of disrupting my life like an earthquake, it shook the pieces together and gave me a vision and a life purpose. The arrival of my new CD, numbering over 1,000 and sitting now in my garage, was like the moment where you pick the juicy, ripe fruit off the vine that you have so carefully cultivated. There is a sweet taste in my mouth and a fullness in my heart, and I can only hope to share this crop with others who are hungry for God.

I have a place of quiet time. It is a comfy chair in my den, next to a big picture window that overlooks our front yard. Next to the chair sits my Bible, my journal, and usually a book I am reading. Today it is The Heart of the Artist by Rory Noland. I wander down to this place each morning around 6, with a cup of coffee. Lately I have been working through the new Beth Moore bible study, Stepping Up: A Journey through the Psalms of Ascent. What better way to start your morning than studying the Psalms with Beth!

So it was in this place that the seeds of this new album took root. Not the songs on the CD...those ideas come at odd times of day, like in the shower, in the grocery store, peeling potatoes. No, I mean the blossoming of this music ministry; a dream expanding.

Last fall, I joined about 20 friends at my women's Bible study to study Priscilla Shirer's “Discerning the Voice of God.” I started really listening for the breath of God and anticipating His leading. I started to see arrows pointing in the same direction; arrows that came from the Word of God, from the mouths of friends, from the voices of authors and pastors, from the hearts of my family, in notes from listeners of my music...too many to ignore. I was compelled to let go of many of my old activities and just be available. That's when God started to rock my world.

Here are a small sampling of the verses, songs, and quotes that informed my soul during this time of cultivation:

Jeremiah 20:9 His Word is n my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.

Sara Groves, songwriter: Something changed inside me, broke wide open, all spilled out, 'til I had no doubt that something changed. And I cannot make it, and I cannot fake it, and I can't afford it, but it's mine. (From “Something's Changed” on Add to the Beauty)

Isaiah 43: 18-19 Forget what has happened. Don't keep going over old history. Be alert. Be present. I am about to do something brand new! It's bursting out, don't you see it?

Howard Dayton, Crown Financial Bible study: I am convinced that the Lord will provide at just the right time the resources necessary to fulfill the purpose and calling he has for you.

My daughter, Megan, age 7: Mom, I keep seeing in my mind that we are going to be like missionaries or something.

A note from a friend, quoting Make Haste My Beloved by Frances Roberts: Virtue will flow, my child, from the hem of your garment as it flowed from mine, as you allow my life within you to have dominance. My spirit indwells you, not for your edification alone, but for the blessing of others, as well.

Nelson Mandela: Your playing small doesn't serve the world...You were born to manifest the glory of God that is within you.

Ellie Lafaro, Devoted Hearts Conference: God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called....To go somewhere, you have to leave somewhere....Resurrection means the worst thing is not the last thing.

Galatians 2:20: Not I, but Christ within me.

Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits: May my light emanate not from my performance but from the divine fire within my soul.... Duty and love are miles apart. Do what you love.

AW Tozer: Whoever seeks God as a means toward desired ends will not find God. The Mighty God, the Maker of heaven and earth, will not be one of many treasures, not even the chief of all treasures. He will be all in all, or He will be nothing. God will not be used. His mercy and grace are infinite and His patient understanding is beyond measure, but He will not aid men in their selfish strivings after personal gain. He will not help men to attain ends, which, when attained, usurp the place He by every right should hold in their interest and affection.

I could not finish the story of this album without telling you about Emma. A friend of a friend, I met her last summer for a playdate with our kids before she was to return to the mission field with her family in the Ukraine. If I could describe her in one word, it would be “sparkle.” No, not flashy and glamorous...it's all in her eyes! Shortly after she left us, she was back. This time with stage 3 breast cancer and a long road of treatment ahead. I have had the privilege to walk along side her through this, to join with 2 other precious women, Karmen and Vicki, to be Emma's stretcher-bearers in prayer and practice, and mostly to chronicle her journey in song. Four of the songs on this CD were inspired by Emma: Would You Do This For Me, Living in Parentheses, At the Corners, and God of Hope, which she takes over half way through with her rich alto voice. God has not asked me to suffer like Emma; He has asked me to be sensitive to the spirit who plants songs in my heart.

One of these songs...Would You Do This For Me, is why I've titled my CD “Songs with Wings.” What started as a seed of an idea from a conversation with Emma, turned into a poem on the back of a grocery list at Wal-Mart, which turned into a song at my piano, which became the song of hope at a funeral of a little girl who died of cancer, which became a theme song for a cancer walk in Missouri, and on and on. I started calling it my “song with wings.” And then I thought...how I long for all of my songs to have wings, and the image of the butterfly perched on a hand, ready to ascend to the holy heights, was painted in my head and was recreated by a graphic artist friend for the CD cover. God is so good to weave all these threads of friendship, imagination, art, love, creativity, melody, technology, and faith into this little offering of mine.

This did not come without a cost. God did a lot of “housekeeping” in my life this past year. He taught me about my attitude toward money and resources in a financial Bible study I did not want to be in at first; He taught me about proper attitudes toward food and prayer through a call to fast; He refined my marriage and pointed out areas of improvement I needed to make in parenting. He taught me to stick to my giftings and not be so blasted busy. But in his great mercy, he gave me incredible friends to walk along side (thank you Karmen, Vicki, Emma, Christy, Danae, and Cindy) and a family who believes in me and loves me no matter what (thank you Dave, Noah, Megan, Grace, Mom, Dad, Cathy, and the Pearson crew.)

Lest you think the CD is all serious, I couldn't resist including silly songs like “Coffee” and a spoof of my love song “This is What it Means to Love,” called “This is What it Really Means to Love,” which has the words “throw up, sponge, dog, nurse, buy a lot, Modern Marvels, remote control, etc.” One of my favorite songs is the lighthearted “My oh My, What a Miracle,” based on a conversation I had with my little Grace one spring day. Dave and I had a blast recording “I Am Sapphira,” which is a departure from my usual mellow sound with a rockin' beat and a blues chord progression. If you don't know who Sapphira is, check out Acts 5:1-10.

OK, so now you know the rest of the story. I hope you will consider purchasing the CD when it's ready in early September, and that you will be blessed by these little songs with wings.

Wow! My website is up and running and I feel a bit like Peter stepping out of the boat and onto the water. I'm praying I'll find my footing and that I'll learn to delight in the space between the boat and the Lord. For the moment, I'm splashing around, saying, "Yippie, this is so cool!"